


Bribery and Extortion (and Other Ways to Make Friends)

by Fangirlwriting



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, And Janus Just Wants Money, And Virgil Just Wants to Not Be Outed, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Being an Idiot, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders is a Little Shit, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders-centric, Friendship, High School, M/M, Remus Just Wants His Parents to Leave Him Alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:21:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29401887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlwriting/pseuds/Fangirlwriting
Summary: Remus Prince neither wants nor needs friends, thank you very much.  He is perfectly content being a loner.  He's not even upset about it, despite what others may think.What he does want and need is for his parents to get off his back.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 9
Kudos: 62





	Bribery and Extortion (and Other Ways to Make Friends)

Janus Ekans and Virgil Moore would not be anyone’s first choices for friends. Fortunately for them, Remus wasn’t anyone. He also wasn’t looking for friends. He was perfectly content living out the rest of his high school experience as a loner, then going to college and weirding the fuck out of his roomate, then weirding out all of the future chemists he was going to have as coworkers until he died by some kind of large, dramatic declaration, like blowing up a building or setting himself on fire. It would be fun. He couldn’t wait.

But then the questions started.

Every night at dinner: “Hey Remus, have you made any friends yet?” “Remus, how about you try out for the drama club with your brother this year? It could be a great way to make new friends.” “Do you want to sign up for my yoga class with me, Remus? It might be fun.”

(At least the first two Remus could somewhat understand, but why in the nine circles of hell would his mother think he’d even briefly consider joining her yoga class with her? He wasn’t a fucking masochist.)

Regardless, enough was enough. Remus needed to find some people who could pretend to be his friends. Just for long enough that he could plan a meal with his parents to prove their existence, and then he could go back to being alone, how he  _ liked it, _ thank you.

Janus and Virgil were fairly easy decisions as targets. Janus Ekans was going nowhere and everyone knew it. He was failing most of his classes and didn’t seem to have much of a desire to try and change that fact. There were a couple rumors he sold drugs, and while Remus wasn’t sure how true that was, he was sure that he would do anything for money. Something Remus happened to have a plethora of, due to being a member of the rich-as-fuck Prince family.

And Virgil… well. Remus had caught Virgil kissing a boy a couple months ago out behind the football bleachers. Blackmail would be fun.

He approached Janus first.

“You want me to do what now?” Janus asked, still staring not as much at Remus’ face as at the wad of twenty dollar bills Remus was holding.

“Pretend to be my friend for an evening,” Remus said. “My parents won’t leave me alone about it, and this is the easiest way to fix the problem bar murdering them in their sleep.”

“Fucking deal,” Janus said, snatching the money away. “What night are we talking?”

“Gotta run that by Virgil first. He’s the one I’m blackmailing, it’s only fair he gets to pick the night we’re doing this.”

“I suppose that makes sense,” Janus said with a shrug. “Here.” He grabbed Remus’ phone and put his number in. “Text me the details when you know them.”

“Will do,” Remus said, taking the money back as he passed.

“Wha— hey!”

“I don’t pay up front.”

Virgil he found outside, where he usually was during lunch, smoking a cigarette. He gave Remus half a glance as he approached. “Oh, great,” he grumbled. “What do you want?” He stuck the cigarette back in his mouth to give Remus a chance to answer.

“Those things kill you, you know.”

Virgil blew smoke towards Remus’ face. Remus slid out of the way enough to avoid coughing. “What do you want?” Virgil repeated.

“I need a couple of people to pretend to be my friends for a night to get my parents off my back.”

“You do understand how pathetic that sounds, right?” Virgil asked, raising an eyebrow. “Why would I do that?”

“Because if you don’t I’ll tell everyone you’re gay,” Remus said casually, leaning back against the wall.

It was fun listening to Virgil be the one to start coughing. He took a couple seconds to realize Remus wasn’t kidding before he glared at him. “First of all, I’m pan, asshole. Not gay.”

“As if that really matters? I’ll tell everyone you’re pan, then.”

“You’re a dick.”

“And you get to pick what night you’re free.”

Virgil glared at him for another couple seconds before he dropped the cigarette to the ground and crushed it under his foot. “Friday,” he said finally.

“Nice. Janus Ekans will be there too, by the way, hope you don’t mind, don’t care if you do. Give me your phone number?”

Virgil growled it out, and with that, Remus pulled out his phone as he walked away and started texting Janus what was happening.

…

He got a reply a couple hours later.

Janus: I can’t do Friday.

Remus made a group chat and texted the update to Virgil.

Virgil: Too fucking bad. If you’re not blackmailing me to change the date, it’s Friday.

Janus: I can do Thursday

Virgil: I don’t like Thursdays

Remus: You can come on two separate days, who cares?

Turns out, his parents. When Remus informed them that his “friends” couldn’t make it together, they insisted on rescheduling. Remus wasn’t really sure why it mattered, but he informed Virgil that the circumstances of the blackmail had now changed.

Virgil: Fine, then we’re doing it Saturday three weeks from now

Janus: Seriously?

Virgil: Is he blackmailing you? Then shut up.

Janus: I can do Saturdays

Remus: Saturday it is. So happy this can work out.

Virgil: You’re the worst kind of person

Remus took the compliment for what it was and didn’t give it another thought for the night.

That changed when his father casually mentioned that if he had a couple weeks to prepare, he wanted to know their favorite kinds of food, or at least what would work for all of them so he could cook it. Remus kind of wanted to smack him.

“I’ll ask them at school,” he said, and left it at that by running upstairs to pretend like he needed to grab something.

He found Janus in the cafeteria and dragged him out to the football bleachers where Virgil was once again standing.

“Hey, my dad wants to know your favorite kind of food,” Remus said as he leaned back against a support column.

“Oh sure, it’s fuck you,” Virgil said.

“I like sushi,” Janus said.

“And I thought neither of you could get more insufferable,” Virgil said.  _ “Sushi? _ Seriously?”

“Well, if you don’t vote, you don’t get to complain,” Remus said. “What do you want to eat? Other than my enormous—”

“Something normal. Like, spaghetti. Or make your dad grill burgers. I really don’t care, but I’m not eating  _ sushi.” _

“Have you ever even tried it?” Janus asked.

“I don’t need to,” Virgil snapped. “I’m also pretty sure I wouldn’t enjoy being murdered. Do I need to try that?”

“Oh, please,” Janus said, rolling his eyes. “You’re being ridiculous. Now Remus is taking us all to get sushi.”

“Why am I taking us?”

“Because you’re not broke.”

“Fair enough.”

“I don’t want to try sushi with the guy who’s blackmailing me and the guy he’s bribing. How about you go fuck yourself?”

“Sure, as long as you watch,” Remus said with a grin.

“You’re disgusting.”

“Ah, but am I more or less disgusting than this sushi that you haven’t tried yet?”

“I’m serious,” Virgil growled. “I’m not trying sushi.”

“Bitch.”

“Dick.”

“Fine,” Remus sighed. “But seriously, food for the coming Saturday. What do you want?”

“Make spaghetti and get the fuck away from me.”

Remus shrugged and typed the final answer to his father as he and Janus both headed back towards the school and parted ways.

And  _ that _ was finally the end of all the preparation the coming day required.

…

Well, at least until three days later on Monday.

Remus was walking through the halls after school was already over when he spotted Janus handing something to someone and shutting his locker as the person sprinted away.

Remus grinned and loudly collapsed against the locker next to Janus, who jumped slightly and glanced over.

“So you do sell drugs.”

“Yes, and I keep them in my locker,” Janus replied casually.

“Then what was with the person running?”

“I sell test answers.”

“I thought you were a failing student.”

“He’s a freshman, he doesn’t know that.”

Remus snorted. “Nice.”

“Does something else need to happen for the dinner? You’re my highest paying briber right now, I’ll happily do just about anything you want me to.”

“Are you down for an orgy?”

“Nice try, but actually I’m ace.”

“And I’m threatening to out Virgil, I don’t care about sexuality.” He considered Janus’ statement for a second and shrugged. “Consent is kinda important though. I’m not a monster.”

“If there’s nothing going on with the dinner why are you here?”

“As if I’ll pass up a chance to make a joke about you selling drugs.”

Janus chuckled. “Fair enough.” They both started for the doors at the end of the hallway, and Janus glanced at him a second later. “You’re… Roman Prince’s brother, right?”

“Always my favorite way to be referred to. Cancel that orgy.”

“How will I go on. Why are your parents bugging you about making friends if you have a twin brother to spend time with?”

“Oh, please, Roman and I aren’t friends. He’s too busy being ashamed of me.”

“Huh. Dick.”

Remus snorted. “I know. Not like I like him any more than he likes me.”

Remus pushed the door open and waved casually to Janus as they both headed in opposite directions.

That meeting would have been inconsequential too if not for Janus coming up to him the following day with a smile on his face that could not mean anything good, and, surprisingly, Virgil in tow.

“Don’t tell me we need to change the day again,” Remus said, giving Virgil an exasperated look. Virgil glared back.

“Nope. We’re going to make your brother’s life slightly more stressful.”

Remus perked up. “I’m listening.”

“He’s in the drama club, right?”

“He’s obsessed with it. Why?”

Janus nodded his head at Virgil. “He has a paintball gun that could ruin some sets and costumes. That may not affect Roman directly, but it would certainly make everything much more stressful.”

“Are you suggesting we ruin the lives of a bunch of innocent people who are somewhat connected to my brother that would then in turn make my brother’s life slightly more stressful? Because I am so on board.” He glanced at Virgil. “You have a paintball gun? And you’d let us use it?” he asked with a smirk.

“To fuck with Roman Prince? Yes.”

“Ooooh, do I sense a history?”

“Fuck off.”

Remus laughed. “You know we could get in serious trouble for this,” Remus pointed out, although the grin on his face must have shown how unbothered that fact made him.

“I know how to turn the cameras off, we just have to be quiet,” Janus replied, smiling just as widely.

“Besides,” Virgil said, starting to smile himself. “That just makes it more fun.”

Well, Remus wouldn’t argue there. That was how the three of them ended up in the school auditorium about an hour after school was over, Virgil holding a paintball gun and Janus and Remus both holding some cans of paint they’d bought at a store.

It took them about a half an hour of probably pushing their luck to cover the set in paint and paint a giant middle finger painted on the floor, that part courtesy of Virgil, with costumes in the back room also having quite a bit of paint on them as well. They’d snuck out the back door as they heard footsteps approaching, probably alerted to all the noise.

Remus was laughing by the time they made it to the parking lot. They put the paintball gun and the empty paint cans in the back of Virgil’s car, and Virgil was clearly about to head on his way when Remus caught his arm.

“Okay, seriously,” he said, and Virgil turned to glare at him irritably. “What do you have against my brother?”

“What were you originally blackmailing me for again? I’m not the gay one, but that doesn’t mean neither of us were,” Virgil said casually, before pulling his arm out from Remus’ and climbing into his car, and onto the towel sitting on his seat that Remus had not been smart enough to remember to bring.

Virgil drove off with Remus staring after him.

“Did he just admit to making out with your brother?” Janus asked from the spot next to Remus.

“I think he did,” Remus said, starting to grin again. “Well, we all learned something very interesting about Roman today. I wonder how his girlfriend feels about it. Should we ask her?”

Janus laughed. “You are a terrible person.”

“Why, thank you,” Remus said, beaming at him. “So hey, why’d you do this, anyway?”

“To fuck with your brother,” Janus said with a smile that meant he was lying through his teeth right now. “Why else would I do it? Roman needs to get taken down a few pegs.”

Well, Remus wouldn’t deny that. He thought about it on the way home, and decided by the time he got there that if he had to be forced to pretend to have friends, Janus and Virgil weren’t bad choices.

…

The day after that they had actually managed to drag Virgil to a place that served sushi and force him to try it. Virgil had not looked at all happy about the experience, at least until he actually tried a piece of sushi, and glared at both of them for a long second before eating another one. Janus had smirked in triumph and Remus had started a long winded speech about the lessons of judging a book by it’s cover before Virgil whacked him upside the head.

And then after that, he really didn’t see either of them again until the Saturday they’d planned to have dinner. They had texted some basic information back and forth just to make sure they knew things about each other if they got grilled, but other than that Remus had gone back to his loner style, which was exactly the way he liked it.

…Except for the day that he got to see the drama club enter the auditorium and start screaming a couple seconds later. He would have liked Janus and Virgil to be there for that.

…And when Roman complained loudly about it at the dinner table that night. He would have liked to excitedly rant to them about that.

…And when he saw Janus across the hallway, or spotted Virgil leaving the school, and almost walked over and talked to them.

…And that one time he’d folded his sandwich into a really bad approximation of a sushi roll. He would have loved to tease Virgil about that.

This was the loneliness his parents had thought he’d experienced, wasn’t it? Well, now he was lonely, and it was their own damn fault. See what happens when you try to force your kid to make friends? They start to want friends! The audacity.

Point is, Remus would take to his  _ grave _ the fact that he’d smiled wider than he had in a while when Janus and Virgil showed up at his door on the Saturday night they’d planned.

“Dad actually made some pretty good spaghetti,” Remus said as they started back for the other room. “It’s got onions and mushrooms and meatballs in it.”

“Yeah, I’ve only ever had noodles and sauce,” Virgil admitted.

“Well, get ready for deliciousness.”

Remus was about to head into the kitchen when Virgil suddenly stopped. “Wait a second. Roman’s gonna be here, isn’t he.”

“He is in fact my twin brother,” Remus said. “Don’t worry, I’ll only make jokes that vaguely reference your makeout session every three seconds.”

“I hate you,” Virgil groaned, as Janus chuckled. Remus pushed the door open, and all three of them walked in.

Roman’s gaze caught on Virgil instantly, and Remus took great pleasure in the way his eyes widened. He was going to be teasing him about this for months.

He could tell from Janus’ smirk that he was noticing the same thing that Remus was, and Virgil’s glare said the same for him.

Remus’ parents didn’t seem to notice the tension between everyone, as they smiled as soon as they noticed them. “Hello,” his mother said, walking across the room. “It’s lovely to meet you both.”

“Charmed,” Janus said, smiling brightly. “I cannot  _ believe _ it has taken this long to meet our dear friend Remus’ parents.”

Remus had to try very hard to keep from gawking, as his mother and father were clearly buying this. Roman, on the other hand, clearly wasn’t.

They all sat down at the table as Remus’ father carried the spaghetti over, and Roman sat as far from Virgil as possible, likely very much on purpose.

Virgil himself must have been a much worse actor than Janus, or at least a much less confident one, because he spent most of the dinner looking about as nervous as he actually seemed to feel.

He and Roman also spent most of the dinner very obviously not looking at each other, which in turn meant Janus and Remus spent the dinner looking at each other and trying not to laugh.

By the time dinner was over, Remus was pretty sure both of his parents believed that he had friends, which was definitely good enough for him. He wasn’t going to miss Janus and Virgil at all.

They’d already planned to stay a little bit after dinner just to make it seem more realistic, so they all headed up to Remus’ room to talk for a couple hours before they left.

Remus didn’t think any of them were planning to actually do anything other than sit on their phones for an hour and then leave, if not for the fact that Roman appeared in the doorway a couple seconds after they walked in.

Remus looked over and raised an eyebrow. “Can I help you?”

“Are you going to drop the act or what?”

Remus stood up. “Excuse me?”

“Come on,” Roman said, rolling his eyes. “These are the two you’re friends with? The school drug dealer and the school loner?”

Remus saw Virgil cross his arms out of the corner of his eye, and gave half a glance to assess how uncomfortable Virgil looked before spinning back around to face Roman.

“Now Ro-bro, is that any way to talk about your boyfriend?”

Roman’s eyes widened. “What are you—”

“Well, you can’t deny it now,” Janus said, smirking. “Look at that face, he practically screamed it from the rooftops with that.”

“Hey,” Virgil snapped. “Shut. Up.”

“Aw, why Virgey, you ashamed of your boyfriend?” Remus said. “Oh no, wait, that would be the other way around, wouldn’t it?” He turned to face Roman again, who looked like he was a couple seconds from passing out in Remus’ doorway.

“Remus,” Roman said weakly. “I don’t know what you think you heard—”

“Saw,” Remus corrected. “Though I’ll admit I didn’t know you were the other participant until Virgey here told us.”

Roman turned to Virgil. “You  _ told them?” _

“Hey,  _ you’re _ the one who made out with  _ me,” _ Virgil snapped. “I get to tell whoever I want.”

“What— I very much remember you initiating the—”

“Girls, girls, you’re both pretty and gay,” Janus said, waving his hands. “Did you have a point to coming up here, sweetheart?”

Roman glared at Janus. “How much did he pay you to do this?”

“Nothing,” Janus said with a shrug. “Oh no, wait, the pleasure of his company.”

“Bullshit.”

Remus crossed his arms and leaned back to shout.  _ “Hey, Mom, Dad, can I tell you something?” _

“Shut the fuck up!” Roman snapped, all but leaping across the room and slamming Remus into the wall in front of his bed. “I swear to God, Remus!”

“What, you don’t think I’m low enough to out you? I’ve threatened other people with it before.”

“Yeah, because you’re a dick,” Roman snapped, pulling Remus back slightly and slamming him into the wall again.

“Hey, back off,” Janus snapped, pulling Roman backwards. “Is it so hard for you to accept that your brother made some friends? Or do you really see that little in him?”

“Remus is an asshole,” Roman snapped, leaning into Janus’ face.

“At least he’s upfront about it,” Virgil grumbled, loud enough for Roman to hear.

Remus spotted a hurt look on Roman’s face as he looked over at Virgil. If he was a better person he would have cared more.

“Hey, Ro-bro.” Remus took a couple steps forward and shoved Roman towards the door. “Leave us alone. Go text that girlfriend you’ve been leading on. Or one of your many, many other friends. These two are mine.”

Roman looked back at him for a couple seconds, and spared one more glance at Virgil before he stood himself up higher and stalked out of the room.

“Gee, I totally get what you see in him now,” Janus said to Virgil.

“Shut up,” Virgil snapped, pulling his phone out as he sat back down at Remus’ desk. “So hey, can we go get sushi again tomorrow? I actually didn’t hate it.”

Remus glanced over in surprise. “Huh?”

Virgil looked up again. “Sushi. You’re still the rich boy, you’re paying.”

Remus gave him a look. “That was the dinner. You don’t have to pretend to be my friends anymore.”

“Of course we do,” Janus said, smirking at him. “We share a common goal now.”

“Which is?”

“Pissing the hell out of your brother,” Virgil said, giving Remus a smirk of his own.

Remus blinked at him a couple times. He looked over at Janus, whose gaze softened a bit as his smile became a bit more genuine— or at least about as genuine as one could get from Janus Ekans. Remus glanced over at Virgil and saw a little more sincerity there, enough that he started to grin.

“Well, I cannot think of better people to pretend to be friends with,” he said. “We’re waiting till Monday for the sushi, though. It’s always more fun if you’re skipping school.”

“I will not deny that,” Virgil said, turning back to his phone. “But blackmail me again and I’m gone, you hear me?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Remus said, waving him off. He glanced over at Janus. “You still want payment for the dinner?”

“You can make it up to me by buying my sushi on Monday,” Janus said, moving to sit on the bed. “And every time after that.”

“I knew it. You’re using me.”

“What else are friends good for?”

Remus smiled as he sat on the bed next to Janus. The lonely feeling in his chest that he would now take to his grave was starting to fade a little, thanks to the wonders of spite.

Hmm. Maybe Roman was good for something after all.


End file.
